Grieving

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard."-- Coldplay.

Today in my Psychology of Emotions class, Dr. Hupka started his series of lectures on Grieving. I have no idea why today seemed to mean more to me than all of his other lectures. I guess i take for granted how easily i get over things or how well i can heal myself more than other people. We watched a video talking about Ramsay's Flooding Technique and i got super emotional just watching the whole process being done on another person 30 years ago...

Basically, Dr. Ramsay had to repetitively meet with this woman who had lost her daughter in a fire 2 years prior to their meeting.  She had been absolutely miserable and could not bear to acknowledge anything to do with her daughter without going completely insane or emotionally distraught for two solid years.  Ramsay's Flooding Technique seemed harsh when watching the 6 hour process condensed into a 20 minute film, but it was a complete transformation through the week of treatment from the first day to the last. 

This woman started off hysterical and was not able to willingly look at pictures of her deceased daughter, listen to the music her daughter loved or even talk about her daughter without completely breaking down. In the end this woman left the office feeling resolution and happiness, and could look at pictures and listen to music without shutting down. Just watching someone go through THAT much pain made me internalize the feeling and I seriously had welled tears in my eyes. Thats INTENSE. Especially because out of the 4 other people i know in that class, none of them showed up so in a way, I felt somewhat alone...that's a bad feeling. 

Currently, this lecture helped me in a way heal a little from all the emotional events that have been occurring over the last few months. There are way worse feelings you can feel than being dumped, failing tests, being unemployed, getting back together, having your boyfriend move 3 large states away from you...Things of that nature.  You could have a far worse feeling, losing a child you raised for six years, not being able to say good bye, knowing they died in agonizing pain burning alive in a fire. 

I cant promise that my emotions are healed and I won't cry again about any of the examples i listed above, but until i have a child I raised die before me and have to go through a psychological flooding process to recover, the shit I'm dealing with can be lived through. 

But my justification: Love can temporarily devastate you and make you feel like theres nothing left in the world to believe in, but you must work forward and think the value of life in general and not necessarily life only with another human being. 

Thats all for today. -A

reflection on old entry

[Do you ever get the feeling that you weren't cut out for school and your life is just this big gigantic social fiesta? Well, that's how i feel. Big ass fiesta. I just think while im sitting in my lectures, that I really shouldn't be there. I'm not someone who listens to lectures and actually gets anything out of it. And my notes..oh man theyre so bad. none of it ever makes any sense unless my teacher has a powerpoint leading the ideas and then i can expand with whatever the teacher has to say. I just feel purposeless and it's like im going through a midlife crisis already. ugh. 

I have this study guide that i should probably start filling out because i dont know anything about the test that i have to take tomorrow in Public Speaking. To be honest, all i care about concerning tomorrow is seeing Jodi, Shelley, CHel and Molly for the movies. 

I wish my brain could retain useful information and somehow this paper that i have to write can just appear out of thin air. <3 
i dont know anything about the structure and process of government and how it effects the decisions made on gay marriage. what the freaking jell-o mold man. 

oh well. this weekend will show if i have what it takes.
good job.]

-yeah that was from my first semester in college. i still dont know what im doing here. hhahahahahaha

just kidding...but really.

For a good laugh or smile, heres a Jack in the Box commercial.

im STILL laughing from seeing it on tv:

Mini Sirloin Burgers

Enchanted Cafe

I'm sitting in an amazingly enchanting coffee shop a few blocks inland from the ocean in Huntington Beach. I've been here for an hour and a half browsing the web, editing recent photography, sipping my latte and munching on my jalapeno bagel that is now burning my stomach. 

This little 3-year-old boy just walked in with his lime green sippy cup in hand. His parents are bribing him with melting skittles to be friendly to the barista just to say hello. This family just gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, maybe its indicating something that I want to have for myself. I feel all giddy and i want to run around on the sand now. Just witnessing this whole moment just made my day ten times better and its only just begun. 

I hope the rest of my day stays in par with this moment.

love always. 

A.

Links

Carnival performance is up on youtube:

CARNIVAL-Doug & Amber

AND....

I started my own photography website:

AMBER SHOOTS PHOTOGRAPHY

check it.

<3a.

Choreographer's Carnival

Wednesday February 25 2009, I will be performing my West Coast Swing- Lindy Hop hybrid routine with Doug Silton at the Key Club in Hollywood. COME OUT AND SUPPORT DANCE!!!!
entry $20, doors open at 9pm, show starts at 10:30pm

I'm terrified/excited/nervous/anticipatory....about the whole day tomorrow.
non stop craziness.
no breath.
just GO GO GO.
crossing my fingers.

-amber

Don't MIND Me..

SO we're gonna see if I can get back into being creative and start making stuff again.
I was so into making my own jewelry and re-inventing my clothes to make something else newer and more exciting.
But I stopped for a while because I had no inspiration. Most recently, I just made a neon striped shirt that I absolutely LOVE 100%. There is still hope! Lets see if I can feel that extra push.
I have recently been thinking more along the lines of addressing the sides of the brain (I'm a psych. major). Right now I want to massage the hell out of my right brain... even though I should be focusing more on the left... because I'm in school. Here are some descriptions of brain functions if you aren't familiar with them.

LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing
acknowledges
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies
practical
safe

RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

fall 2008

school just started today and im in the computer lab on campus. i ran into jodi twice and that makes me happy that i will be seeing her around all the time now!
my lab session got cancelled today since theres nothing to "lab" about. i hope i like my tap class because if i dont like the teacher today, im going to drop it for a 3 unit psych class that starts tomorrow. jodis in it so it'll be nice to have classes with my friends.

its weird how allmy super close friends didnt go to the same school as me...or just didnt go to school...hahahha

oh well. peace out. im gonna go mozy

hype

so i think i finally figured out how to use hype machine.

about damn time.
thanks for helping me out berto.
i teach you how to swim, you teach me how to get music free and legal.
<3

theory time

haha i have this theory
that we all ask for advice but dont take it until its what we want. it makes sense.
because its the only thing i see from anyone. weird.

ummm ive had my up days and my down days.
but mostly i want someone to try to be on their way to loving me.
and looking at me like we belong
and talking to me when we're in the same room
and being the first person they think of when they wake up

this person could be anyone
as long as we belong together.
and we combust with smiles when we meet.

what would you do?

Seriously.
at this point in my life i go to everyone for advice. and instead of doing what i really want to do, i take everyone else's advice thinking that they have a bird's eye view on the situation. and then it all makes sense to me that it IS the right thing to do. so i do it. and then i act the opposite of what i had decided before was going to be the RIGHT thing.

I know that was one of those "i knew that you knew that i knew" types of rambles but its the only vague way of saying anything and its the only way i could say it and have it make sense in my head.

I miss hugs. that mean something
and kisses that make you want to smile more than to breathe.
and just looking at each other knowing that everything around you may be falling apart but you make the other person complete. thinking about wanting that makes me cry. no matter where i am. because my body aches for genuine love.
and I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

Help.

natalie dee

so ive been visiting this site called natalie dee for a few years now.
im pretty sure keiko got me into it
and then we started sending eachother funny little comic pictures that the artist drew.

you should check it out: NATALIE DEE

heres a sample:

six flags stole my phone

so today i went to six flags with my great friend Caley.
and we went on Tatsu, the best ride ever.
AND ON THAT SUPER AWESOME SWEET LOOP, MY PHONE SLIPPED OUT OF MY POCKET AND SKYROCKETED OUT INTO THE OBLIVION. yea.
so now i have no phone
so there's really no way for anyone to get a hold of me.
myspace me?

but then that wasn't the end of the day.
we went on a few more rides, i purchased a pass so i can go back whenever :)
but six flags seriously stole my phone
gay.

anyhoo. so we drove down topanga canyon blvd. and drove all the way from the 188 fwy to malibu beach through the valley and the santa monica mountains.

there was a unfortunate event that occurred in the mountains though, because i was following this old couple through the windy roads and there was this pair of birds who were flying around and chasing each other into the street and one of them got stuck under the wheel of the car in front of me and i watched the bird die. i cried.
it sucked. RIP DODGER.

and then we drove over to my favorite secluded hike and chilled on the cliffs at point dume.
and then we were greeted at my house with tacos.
mmmm

now im off to watch Darjeeling Limited.
with no phone.
and no texting
and no phone calls.
how sad.
and unfortunate.

<3A.
"fly pelicans, fly!"

tuneglue

so there's this really amazing site that my mom's co-worker just told me about. its called tune glue
http://audiomap.tuneglue.net
it made me smile
it helps you find bands that are related to other bands that they feel are similar to the ones that you like.

i have one more final tomorrow at 8am and then i get 3 days off and no more school or work.
what kind of job should i look for?
i need a new one
but i dont know what i want
i just know that i want to leave Jamba Juice
ive made way too many smoothies in my lifetime.

It's Not You It's Me

It's Not You It's Me Lyrics
-Coconut Records

It’s been a while
How you’ve come back in style
Singing hey nonny na na na na

Back on the block
Really nothing but talk
Singing hey nonny na na na na
C’mon hey nonny na na na na
C’mon hey nonny na na na na

One two three
Tell her that I just can’t go on
Tell her that there’s just something wrong
Tell her that I just can’t go on
Uh huh

Tell her that I just can’t go on
Tell her that there’s just something wrong
Tell her that I just can’t go on
Uh huh

Back by demand
Do whatever you can
You look older I can tell by your hands
Drinks only gin says its …
And she’s crying after every meal
Lord you don’t know how you’re making me feel

Rrraah
Tell her that I just can’t go on
Tell her that there’s just something wrong
Tell her that I just can’t go on
Uh huh

Tell her that I just can’t go on
Tell her that there’s just something wrong
Tell her that I just can’t go on
Uh huh
Oh no

Six records in
Don’t know where to begin
Singing nonny na na na na
Tell her that I just can’t go on

You’ll follow through it’s the best you can do
Singing hey nonny na na na na
Tell her that I just can’t go on
C’mon hey nonny na na na na

Tell her that I just can’t go on.




-give me a break.
i can relate i guess.
i dont really know what i think
but its impossible to ever be thinking about nothing. A.

trees

so.
i've always thought it was kinda funny that trees just kinda regenerate.
its kinda strange and kinda ridiculous.
and this is the part where i got hijacked...goddamn them, the aliens, i love them....argggggg!
trees...so much love...

also, in a nut shell, I woud also just like to say that if I ever saw the words "TRAMP STAMP" tatooed on the small of a females back, I would have to throw it up, and give her a high five because she knows what's good

that is all

ANYWAYS.
yea. i have nothing else to say after my friends kinda started writing. i really have nothing else to say.

so with that, im going to go play a good game of WAR with my good friend Ryan.
good times...

Procrastination

it is the worst thing.
its insanely unhealthy and makes no sense why anyone would or should ever result to it. i know we all have had our fair share of procrastination on projects and papers, but i take it to this extreme level of staying up until the break of dawn trying to complete these papers for my women's studies class and sacrificing sleeping for it.
I think for the first time in my life ever, i will postpone writing my paper until tomorrow night and turn it in to my teacher friday. or sit at my computer on friday until it is complete and then walk it over to my teacher's office.
I have never had writers block this bad but maybe its a sign that i need to force new habits on myself before i crash or get into a serious pile up because of it.
i could write a book about procrastination.
and that is terrible that i even think that way.
its the only way i've ever known how to handle my writing situations. I only know how to write under pressure of time and i need to start forcing myself to develop new habits this late in my life.

ojojojojojojojojojojojojojoj.
if you say oj super fast and if you will, in a high pitched voice while constricting your throat....it sounds awesome and funny as hell.
with that said, im gonna take an hour nap and get up for a day of school, hanging out with my cousin i just met tuesday and closing at work.
and then
writing this paper
about postfeminism
and how its a bunch of hullabaloo because there are still feminists
who wont stand for being classified as postfeminists
which implies that feminism is a thing of the past.
oh god.

Super Hero

so i donated blood at school today :)
woo hoo super donor tee shirt.
i can add it to my collection. now i have a white one and a yellow one.

sunday i went to six flags with my co workers and we only went on like 3 rides but it was way fun, so yea. good times. i wish i had gotten a pass because i would love to go with my friends and take Ned with me :)
i need to see him scream and freak out.
lol ;)

soooooo other than that i really dont have much to say. im coasting.
and im supposed to schedule classes for next semester
i guess i should get on that.
peace

cheer me up thank you

so i love New Buffalo.
she's an amazing artist and she actually wrote "1234", the hit single on Feist's The Reminder album that came out last year. i think the song i like the most from New Buffalo is "Cheer me up thank you". its just so good.
but everything that comes out of her mouth is just beauty and greatness.
i just kinda stumbled upon her, but for all i know everyone already knew about her.
that's usually what happens most of the time with music and me

whatever.
im happy with what i find
or hear about
its the food for my ears.

wish my time with you could go on forever.


Listen to NEW BUFFALO: http://www.myspace.com/newbuffalomusic

hurts so good

that title has nothing to do with what i have to say.
i really actually have nothing meaningful to say. i'm just tired.
just need to waste a little time so i decided to analyze the relationships between friends and you...along with the relationships between your parents and you.
TRUST.
people always get so butt hurt when their parents say they've lost their child's trust. but its like betraying your friend, you know? if you lie to your friend and they find out, they're gonna be pissed at you too. soooo why do people feel like they can just go and get away with lying to their parents like its no biggie.
YEA. I think thats bullshit.
plain and simple.
everyone is a human being
and everyone is going to treat you as if youve lied. or betrayed them
so why do YOU treat people differently.
they dont deserve it.

incahoots

"Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close"
-jimmy eat world

i closed at tuesday night
and i smelled like bleach and oranges
and i cleaned my heart out
and our new uniforms are a major fashion no no.
brown aprons
white polos
and bright orange hats
with bright green name tags.
who the ** came up with that combo.
its like serious 70s wanna be color scheme but its like
random as hell
and i HATE THE NEW UNIFORM
i want to almost quit because its so ugly.
worse than the maroon all fruit smoothie promotion shirts.

anyways
i went country dancing tonight at incahoots.
wow
i learned like 10 line dances by watching a few times and then going out there and doing it.
Ben got a video of me doing slappin leather.
and i have class at 8am tomorrow.
yea right.